Christopher Lee

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A Letter From The Queen To Her Most Loyal Subject

20 May 2013

Apparently Mr Cameron’s people think that one is a swivel-eyed loon – or that this one is. The Chamberlain, such a trustworthy courtier, says that someone in Downing Street told The Press that members of The Party are forcing MPs to vote against Gay Marriage and the European Union.

One hopes that our very agreeable, although not very bright, Lord Feldman did not call voters swivel-eyed loons. Especially as the Commoners in their little homes may have a sensible instinct about Europe and odd weddings.

At Windsor we are not very taken with the EU and would rather we were not members and that we could then simply be with nice people in one’s Commonwealth.

As for Gay Marriage!  What a silly thing to get excited about. One knows lots of rather smart people who are homosexuals and very happily married.  Dear Lord Punstable is quite the other way (very very soft hands don’t you know?)  and has been since he was a chorister. But everyone knows that he has men friends (so many of them in Whites) and he is perfectly happy with his wife, dearest Veronica (Walkington-Scott-Sharpe that was).  She of course has many friends who are not homosexuals. But for My Government to spend so much time on same sex marriages is rather feeble – or so one thinks.

One is sad to say that Mr Cameron has been a disappointment. He was so full of promise: a good family and went to a very good local school.  Oxford seems to have made him rather fleshy although he married well. What a pity he had to form My Government with that rather wishy-washy Clegg.  Philip says he would not buy a time share from him.  We are not certain what a time share is, but it sounds rather dubious.

And now they are all worried about Mr  Farage and his YouKippers as Philip calls them.  (He is so very very funny at breakfast – Philip, not Mr Farage).  

Mr Farage appears to drink quite a lot of beer.  The Chamberlain thinks it is English beer and not the filthy black Belgian beer. One supposes that is all right then.  But I do wish he did not smoke so. Really no need and quite unnecessary.  

The Chamberlain had to sit next to him and Mr Farage smelled of tobacco. The Chamberlain is very sensitive.  Philip says the Chamberlain’s nanny was quite strict about the prospects of bad habits such as smoking and so made his mother (Cordellia Caste-Roman that was) breastfeed  the poor mite through a straw. Prince Harry thought that exceptionally funny and threw himself about in such laughter and was rather obscure when he said that his set use straws for quite different purposes.  Such fun being in one’s army.

The Chamberlain has it that we are going to make an official visit to Rome. The new Archbishop, Welby who used to be on the pumps at the local service station in his youth (Philip’s story again) is not over-keen on this we are told. Philip thinks the archbishop is concerned that at our age we might be swayed by the new Pope.  

Nonsense of course after all, one is Supreme Governor of one’s own Church of England. We assured the archbishop at an audience only last week that we have never been over-fond of Brazilians since their footballer Maradona cheated us out of the World Cup.  The archbishop said he played for Argentina not Brazil.  Philip says he had no idea that Mr Welby ever played soccer for any one, never mind Argentina.

One suspects one will have to watch the archbishop. Not quite reliable. One noticed that he had to read from a book to give the Blessing at Baroness Thatcher’s funeral.  One would have imagined that by the time he became archbishop, he would have know the words off by heart.

There is something else quite worrying about him. One reads in One’s Paper that he is already writing a new Coronation Service. One is not quite ready to meet One’s Maker.  A little presuming.  But One’s Paper has it that he intends to bring other religious leaders into the service.  How very odd.  One suspects that the Prince of Wales is behind this. Now there is a swivel-eyed loon if ever one saw one.  Jolly good.  Must tell Philip that one.

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