Christopher Lee


Is Justin Bieber And Elvis On Kepler 62? We Need To Know Before We Book

19th April 2013
Nasa scientists say they’ve got themselves a couple of new planets. They call them Kepler 62-e and 62-f.  Doesn’t sound much but it could be the biggest discovery announced in California since Howard Hughes invented the cantilever bra for Jane Russell – a boon to all mankind as J. Walter Sussman opined, or so I recall.

These planets have been located by Nasa’s orbiting Kepler telescope – hence the names. It’s obvious these are not nearby planets. No. They’re 1,200 light-years away. One light-year is about 6 million miles. That puts the discovery way beyond our solar system – literally in another world and in a constellation called Lyra.
But don’t give up. We know a couple of other things: the Keplar twins are bigger than us and too small to be covered in toxic gases like Neptune and Jupiter.  It gets better.

Because they are a comfortable distance from their star, their sun, they are in what the astro people call a Goldilocks Zone which means they are neither too hot nor too cold and probably have water.  Just like us?  Could be there are in parts just like us.
Is that it?  For the moment yes it is.  But considering the Kepler telescope has only been operating for four years it has already discovered more than 100 worlds, solar systems, other than our own. And the technology can only be improved.

The next stage is to have an instrument in space that can measure more and see past the glare of the Kepler Twins’ star.  At the moment it’s like looking into our sun.  The new technology may be a big ask but it’s not fantasy stuff. We are not far away from being able to measure vibrations and gases on the planets and reflecting off its surface. Big job to be done. But it will happen?

So maybe is a tad too early to book a Branson flight but these Kepler planets could save us all.  We are filling up earth and fouling it up as we do so. We need to get used to the idea that the science is not so fictional after all.

One day and not so far off either, we will migrate just as our great grandparents did to Australasia for example. Or way back, just as Noah did.

And would that not be great?  Unless of course we get there and find all the things we wanted to leave behind.

Just suppose the place is full of pointy-eared Justin Biebers? Or Interplanetary Tours Inc turns out to be a Ryanair franchise.  Or worse: you’ve travelled for a year to get there and then in your transplanted ear-piece you hear someone trying to sell you PPI compensation claims insurance? Or Madonna’s already there trying to adopt a native Keplerain?

The good news? Surprise, surprise, the National Inquirer was right after all except they got the wrong planet.  Elvis is not dead.  He’s living on Kepler 62-f in an abandoned B-52.

But here’s a final thought. Maybe they Kepler twins already have people. Maybe they’ve been watching us for years and years and seeing how we’ve fouled up our own garden and maybe they are appalled that they’ve been discovered and that we with all our lousy personalities and habits are heading their way.

Bet you a fiddler’s bitch to a toothless toffee eater’s top set that they’ve got their version of Kepler trained on the next world to make a fast escape before we get there.

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