Archive for April, 2013

Christopher Lee

April 29, 2013


Big Bishop. High Pulpit. Wrong Sermon

29th April 2013

Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury and leader of the Anglican Church, has pronounced. Whitehall is listening, not because he’s a priest but because he’s on a commission of inquiry and because he used to be in business. All good stuff?

Maybe. The Archbishop says bankers should be trained. They most certainly are trained, archbishop. They’re trained to get fat salaries and mind-boggling bonuses. And Archbishop, you should be very pleased they do so. A lot of them put loadsa money into your charities. They also wind up the public who do not get bags of gold and that takes the heat off your church leaders who for the most part are pretty useless at doing what they are called to do: spreading the Word of God and laying it on so thick that it’s standing room only in the empty churches.

Instead of banging on about banker training, how about telling them they’re morally corrupt? Perhaps that could be tricky.  How many bankers, just as one moral question, have abused minors? None we hear about. How many priests have been in the frame for this aberration of what God had in mind for them? See what I mean?

It would seem the role of an archbishop is to do the archbishop thing. Maybe get up high in your pulpit and proclaim that the government and Parliament that control your state church have failed to get kids out of poverty.  Shout from your throne that your political masters have failed to preach against giving arms to Syrian rebels and want to do so – and that means more will die. How about a sermon on the government’s failure, the government that gave you the job, to provide the people you are supposed to love and cherish with a caring and even fine health service.

empty churchThen what about a few lines about poverty, brotherly love, modesty and as the Good Book you are supposed to read says, Charity. Now Charity in modern translation means Love. Get preaching basics, Archbishop.

Try reading a few words of the new Pope – you could learn a thing or two on all that. Forget trading on your business rep. A business trained archbishop is cute but it doesn’t make you what you’re supposed to be – a priest.

And, I promise you that your old trade as an oil man rates about the same as a banker. So best downplay that one. There’s another bit of unasked for advice you should think about before you get back on your high horsey pulpit: the bankers you slag off make big bucks because they single mindedly concentrate on doing the job they are given and for the most part supported by their shareholders.

Now why don’t you try that?  You may just find it’s profitable


Christopher Lee

April 23, 2013


East European Invasion of UK? At Least The Cars Are Clean

23th April 2013

The UK is not worth invading. Says who? The Romanians and Bulgarians who are supposed to be all packed up to move to Britain when the EU work and travel restrictions are lifted in autumn 2013. But not to worry, the Dave & Nick dot will do something about it. And they’ll be encouraged by anti immigration groups that say the Bulgarians and Romanians are planning to arrive en masse, to steal jobs from Britons and Savilise their women.

Latest research released this week says that’s rubbish. The East Europeans say they’re coming but they don’t come. It’s not worth it anymore.

What’s going on here? British jobs and women were supposed to fall to the economic vandals from the east. The British, who typically don’t work anyway, certainly not cleaning cars, and the women, who are gradually taking the top jobs everywhere and so want more males to boss around, wanted the migrants in the UK.

The female bosses like kicking crap out of men while promoting more women into management and the lazy, moaning men want someone to blame for taking jobs they never wanted anyway.

But a BBC so-called investigation says the Bulgarian and Romanians will only turn up if they have guaranteed jobs. Why would that be, considering these two states are among the poorest in the EU?

If they can get jobs people from these two countries would go anywhere, especially if it’s local and they have not too many problems with the language. In spite of the migration alarm bell-ringers in the UK, the figures do not support their scare stories. When fifty per cent of people polled said they’d like to work abroad because it beats hanging around every street corner, only about six per cent made the move.

A recent poll showed that more than 60 per cent said although they’d like a better life they had not really considered leaving even when they said publicly they wanted to.

There’s something else to consider: the UK is no longer a prime workplace even for the have-nots in Europe. The word’s spinning around the ghettos of Eastern Europe that the government (sic) in the UK is no longer willing to hand out benefits to anyone with enough strength to cling for five hours to the axle of a 42 tonne truck between Calais and Dover. Southern seaside towns between Folkestone and Brighton are teeming with benefit fraudsters with curious accents (the British) and largely polite and hardworking builders, plumbers and sponge wielders (the illegals).

So what should happen?

Clearly the UK government (sic again) must campaign to tell the Eastern Europeans that the British Isles is a great place to come. Britain really should be a land of the cleanest cars in Europe, the best plumbing – considering the country is full of crap ideas – the best roofers, tilers, tenants (twelve to a caravan on average) and of course church collections. On the last point, it is clear that the Roman Catholic churches in the UK would be empty if it weren’t for Poles and other quick kneelers and candle lighters.

Each application should be guaranteed exemption from normal NHS treatment and exemption from normal classroom education for their children. BBC TV2 should be turned into Bulgarian with Cyrillic subtitled channels and freeview to the best BBC channel by miles, BBC Alba so they could learn the Gaelic and go live in Scotland where the people are more welcoming and better company even if they do drink whiskey with lemonade chasers.

Also the Come To Britain campaign should emphasise something even more important to our friends in the East. If they are football fans, unlike the British, they will be able to pronounce all the names in Premier Division teams – even the biters and bitten.

What could be better? Bupa for Romanian and Bulgarian passport holders, Eton for the boys, Cheltenham Ladies for the girls and Folkestone, Hastings and St Leonards be restored to their rightful owners – scrounging and work-shy British lounging dawn until dusk on the pebbles staring at the sea while lazily sipping from cider cans. Perfect. An idyllic setting for anyone wanting to come to the UK.

Christopher Lee

April 19, 2013


Is Justin Bieber And Elvis On Kepler 62? We Need To Know Before We Book

19th April 2013
Nasa scientists say they’ve got themselves a couple of new planets. They call them Kepler 62-e and 62-f.  Doesn’t sound much but it could be the biggest discovery announced in California since Howard Hughes invented the cantilever bra for Jane Russell – a boon to all mankind as J. Walter Sussman opined, or so I recall.

These planets have been located by Nasa’s orbiting Kepler telescope – hence the names. It’s obvious these are not nearby planets. No. They’re 1,200 light-years away. One light-year is about 6 million miles. That puts the discovery way beyond our solar system – literally in another world and in a constellation called Lyra.
But don’t give up. We know a couple of other things: the Keplar twins are bigger than us and too small to be covered in toxic gases like Neptune and Jupiter.  It gets better.

Because they are a comfortable distance from their star, their sun, they are in what the astro people call a Goldilocks Zone which means they are neither too hot nor too cold and probably have water.  Just like us?  Could be there are in parts just like us.
Is that it?  For the moment yes it is.  But considering the Kepler telescope has only been operating for four years it has already discovered more than 100 worlds, solar systems, other than our own. And the technology can only be improved.

The next stage is to have an instrument in space that can measure more and see past the glare of the Kepler Twins’ star.  At the moment it’s like looking into our sun.  The new technology may be a big ask but it’s not fantasy stuff. We are not far away from being able to measure vibrations and gases on the planets and reflecting off its surface. Big job to be done. But it will happen?

So maybe is a tad too early to book a Branson flight but these Kepler planets could save us all.  We are filling up earth and fouling it up as we do so. We need to get used to the idea that the science is not so fictional after all.

One day and not so far off either, we will migrate just as our great grandparents did to Australasia for example. Or way back, just as Noah did.

And would that not be great?  Unless of course we get there and find all the things we wanted to leave behind.

Just suppose the place is full of pointy-eared Justin Biebers? Or Interplanetary Tours Inc turns out to be a Ryanair franchise.  Or worse: you’ve travelled for a year to get there and then in your transplanted ear-piece you hear someone trying to sell you PPI compensation claims insurance? Or Madonna’s already there trying to adopt a native Keplerain?

The good news? Surprise, surprise, the National Inquirer was right after all except they got the wrong planet.  Elvis is not dead.  He’s living on Kepler 62-f in an abandoned B-52.

But here’s a final thought. Maybe they Kepler twins already have people. Maybe they’ve been watching us for years and years and seeing how we’ve fouled up our own garden and maybe they are appalled that they’ve been discovered and that we with all our lousy personalities and habits are heading their way.

Bet you a fiddler’s bitch to a toothless toffee eater’s top set that they’ve got their version of Kepler trained on the next world to make a fast escape before we get there.

Christopher Lee

April 12, 2013


Why Egypt’s Morse Can’t Get The Joke

10 April 2013

Have you heard the gag about a revolutionary government that couldn’t get the joke so they arrested the comedian?  If you haven’t, read on and you will and you’d better, because it’s no laughing matter.

There’s a guy here called Bassem Youseff.  Youseff does satire. His problem, or the Muslim Brotherhood’s problem is that he does good satire.  Worse, he does it on TV – show called al-Bernameg – The Programme.

Afficionados of  Orwell’s 1984 will sense the drama in that very ordinary title. It gets worse and worse.  

You see Youseff’s show gets 30 million viewers. That’s big viewing. World networks would love those ratings but world networks would not like to live in the scary post Arab Spring atmosphere that gets 30 million tuning in to the truth – or the nearest they’re likely to get.  Why Bassem Youseff?  He was there in Tahrir Square in 2011.  The people discovered his razor wire humour.  They trust him.  They don’t trust government as they thought they were going to and government does not trust Yuseff and a whole bunch of other people who still taste freedom.

Not surprising then that a couple of weeks back the government prosecutor general, Talaat Abdallah issued an arrest warrant for Youseff. He was taken in a grilled for three hours then let out on bail.  

The point here is that he has a go at officials, clerics and even the President, Mohamed Morsi.  But on Tuesday this week, a Cairo court threw out a case against the TV funny man. The charge was dropped.  The judges behaved like an independent judiciary, the basis for any hope of democracy.  

The government of Morsi doesn’t get it. No smiles. Fury. Morsi’s lot are something of an hostile audience.  But they have a problem: Egyptians have always had a sense of humour – otherwise why build the Sphinx but don’t leave a clue to what she’s smiling at? Mind you, that was old Egypt of amazing technicolor dreamcoat, pyramids and curses.

Bassem Youseff is their Dreamcoat Jospeh; he’s something of a hero.  He’s the only one they’ve got.

But Morsi’s people are really wanting to get the show closed. They want the judges to tear up the licence of the broadcaster, Capital Broadcasting. From this you can get the feeling that there’s more to this crackdown.  It’s not just one man against authority. Mohamed el-Baradi the main opposition leader says its bunker mentality.  The lawyers themselves are next in line. Morsi won’t like that and could go for el-Baredi’s people.

The world human rights systems will start monitoring even more closely what happened to the Egyptian Spring.  Start taking out the media and the judiciary the people will be back in the square. That is about to happen. That’s not at all funny.

Christopher Lee

April 8, 2013



Thatcher Is Gone – God Help God!


8th April 2013

It’s surprising that the baroness lived so long – 87 years.  Margaret Thatcher, famously Not For Turning, turned mortal on 8th April 2013.

She was born on the most famous date in Saxon history, the 13th October – the day remembered each year as the doomed eve of the Battle of Hastings as the British throne prepared to perish at the Norman French of William the Conqueror.  It was the last successful invasion of the United Kingdom. 

Thatcher spent almost all her time as prime minister making sure that there would never be a second European invasion of her shores.

Born Margaret Hilda Roberts in 1925 she was the intellectual property of Kesteven and Grantham Girls’ School rather than her tutors in chemistry at Somerville College Oxford. 

The Grantham grammar taught common sense.  It was a class of lower and middle class tradesmen’s daughters where an empty purse meant you didn’t buy until it jingled with enough coinage to pay everyone.  She applied the simple economic example to the torturous eleven years of her premiership that started in 1979 in double-digit inflation. Few go into Downing Street as expert Prime Ministers and First Lords of the Treasury. Thatcher was no exception.

In fact her triumphs were not economic. Led by the last of the Whigs, Lord Carrington, she fixed the decades problem of what to do about the rebellion in Northern Rhodesia. Within months, Carrington brought about a solution and modern Zimbabwe was created and a political and diplomatic backside pain was cured. None guessed the future of the Mugabe regime.  She was just glad that it was no longer her problem.

The next problem was almost her political end.  In 1982 the faithful Lord Carrington failed to convince Cabinet and Thatcher that there was a real danger of invasion of the Falklands.  When the event occurred, she was about to accept the advice of her army and RAF chiefs of staff that Britain did not have the logistics and forces to take back the islands.  It was only the last moment intervention of a crusty admiral, Sir Henry Leach who told her he could put together a carrier task force that saved her.  If she had lost the Falklands, she would have lost the next election and there would have been no Iron Lady, a Russian term for her, and no Thatcherism.

Along with her political Tory guru, Sir Keith Joseph aka her Mad Monk, she set about changing the way Tory governments thought British society should change. Fundamentally she believed there was no such thing as a society that could expect cradle to grave cosseting. It was the Grantham Purse Economics school of running the country that was, she believed running into the incompetent clutches of an increasingly federally include Europe. She’d have none of it and even considered withdrawing.  Single currency? Euro? Over her dead body.  Europe of course didn’t wait for that event, but the Tory party did. If Thatcher would be remembered for anything in particular about her Party is that she left a Conservative movement fighting each other over Europe.  She would say, recent events proved her correct.

Now she will have her state funeral. She wanted to lie in state for adoring thousands to pass, pause, reflect, pay respects and move on wiping a tear.  Maybe the truth is that few would have queued to pay their respects. She was no Queen Mother. She was no Diana. She was Thatcher who created division in her realm.  Ask them in Lewis Merthyr in south Wales where the last Rhondda pit closed on her watch.  Ask them in the north east where the yards and steel closed. Ask them almost anywhere outside the Thatcher belt of Bucks, Berks, Surrey and Hants.  Few would don black to line the route to St Pauls. Few would even remember what Thatcherism was. The media will write Iron Lady headlines and others will tell us she was the greatest prime minister since Churchill.

Our thoughts should be with the baroness’s family for their loss. But outside there will be fewer tears at her going.  Thatcherism was all so long ago.

There is one thought none of us can imagine the consequences: where has she gone? If it’s where she imagine she was going, then the great archangel of all will remember why she is on her way and why among her Cabinet colleagues (sic) she was known as Tina – There Is No Alternative

Christopher Lee

April 7, 2013


North Korea: US Runs Scared And Aunty Calls The Shots

7th April 2013

As the US cringes before the brain-challenged image of Kim Jong-un and postpones this week’s American ballistic missile test, guys traveling down here from Pyongyan tell me two things: the US missile postponement is nothing to do with diplomacy and,  we really should get to know Kim’s auntie.  Let me explain.

The US has announced that it will not be test firing a missile from its west coast because it may be seen as a provocative act by the North Koreans and that will only get them spiking the military rhetoric.  Washington is being pretty cool and responsible? That’s not the way the North Koreans see it.

The reason the Americans are not firing up the ballistic missile is that it was not a test for that piece of hardware.  What was supposed to have happened is this: the ballistic missile is fired. Then a second missile, called an anti-ballistic missile, is fired at the first one to knock it out.  But similar tests have not been too good. Most of the anti missile rockets have thus far missed!  Get the problem for the US?

If this week’s test had been a failure for the anti-missile weapon as earlier ones were, you would have heard hours and hours of Kim Jong-un that North Korea rules OK and that they would be firing a missile at Guam because the American technology was far behind North Korea’s and that the announcement last week the US was deploying anti missile defences to Guam was a joke – all in one breath.

Just to prove the point, Kim would have been shown on NK TV pressing the red button to fire one of his missiles over Japan into the ocean and then asking where was the mighty western superpower with all its hardware?

So imagine what American allies in the China Seas littoral states would think: America could not defend them, so why sign up for this confrontation?

That’s the straightforward read-out of the US diplomatic move to calm the situation this week: not diplomacy, just a safe bet that its military might display would have been a failure. This is not the week to show the world that a lot of the US military machine is like a 1950s automobile – plenty chrome but no starter motor.

Now we come to the best part of the travelers tales from north of the DMZ.

If you really want to know who pulls the strings in North Korea, forget the chubby kid with the crazy hair.  The place is being run by Rosa Klebb, the nastiest bit of work ever seen in a Bond movie. Dear old Rosa was a fiction of course.  The real Rosa Klebb is Kim Jong-un’s little ol’ aunty who goes by the handle, Kim Kyong-hui.  She is the power behind the reinforced concrete throne of the boy leader in Pyongyang.

Her day job is director of North Korea’s Department of Organization and Guidance.  If the Department says it, you do it.  If the department says don’t do it, guess what? You don’t do it.  If of course you think you’re smart and disobey Kim Kyong-Klebb’s department, then it’s not even a trip to the salt mines.  Dead simple, go against the system and you’re toast. She’s that powerful.

Ms Kim was the sister of the last beloved leader, Kim Jong-il.  When even he realized his days were coming to an unbelievable end, he anointed his son Kim Jong-un as successor and put his sister in charge of teaching the young man to walk and chew rhetoric at the same time.  It was she who orchestrated the latest tirade but it was not to test America.  

She had two reasons: this was a test on the resolve and reaction of the just elected leader of South Korea President Park.  Ms Park also comes from a distinguished political dynasty.  Kim Kyong-Klebb needed to know how tough she was.  She’s found out that Ms Park is tough indeed.

The second purpose of what has become an international incident was to show that she’d brought on the boy as a good enough leader to rule over any officials and in particular any military clique who thought he was soft in the head and that the time was approaching for the generals to take over.

With a lot of help from the American, Aunty Kim has had a good couple of weeks.

So watch out for the token missile firing (the North Korean one that is) and US-China backstairs diplomacy to get on not quite new best friend terms with Kim Jong-un.  If it works, then it’ll be because Aunty says so.